Besides family and close friends I don't usually talk about our struggle to have a family of our own. It's a very personal thing and it sometimes hurts to talk about.
This past Sunday in Sacrament meeting, one of our newly called bishopric member's bore his testimony that at times when we are going through huge trials, some of the greatest blessings can be received. He also mentioned that when he was laid off from his job, he was able to serve more people and experience his growing family.
After the closing prayer, I headed off to Sunday School. The teacher gave each of us a piece of paper asking us what some of our trials have been and questions on how we felt. What blessings have come of it, etc... As I started to fill out my paper my heart swelled with pain/joy and about every emotion possible. The teacher asked if anyone would like to share. I felt this nudge inside of me, like when I need to bear my testimony, but I sat silent. A couple of people shared some experiences and then the teacher asked again, anyone else, and I blurted out, "Alright, I'll share." I can't really describe the feeling that I had overcome me, but by sharing a small tidbit about our lack of children, I gained an insight that I wouldn't have otherwise.
I have had my eyes open to all of the people that I have been able to help that have had miscarriages. I have been able to be there to listen, to cry with them or to comfort them. If I had not gone through my own experiences of loss, I would not have been able to fully help them in the capacity that I have. God has helped me be his servant in this capacity.
As I was driving home from lunch with Ben today, I realized that Sunday's lesson is still resonating in my mind. In my darkest deepest times a line from my patriarchal blessing pushes into my thoughts. You will have many trials, tribulations, adversities etc that will make you like your Heavenly Father. This little glimpse into the "why" I'm experiencing this trial, doesn't make it easy, but it helps me to endure.
I am thankful for this ongoing trial and know that the Lord is mindful of me and my needs.